I cannot escape that falling-behind feeling.
There’s so much going on outside my creative time (you know, real life) that when I amble up to the keyboard, my headspace isn’t ready for fresh scenes. It’s been three weeks of editing and outline touch-ups, and that’s got me feeling unaccomplished.
Some highly personal stuff
My spouse oversees invoicing at an infrastructure software company, and this allows him to work remotely—and since moving his office downstairs, we don’t see each other until after 4 pm. His spinal issues, which worsened around 2014, made his left leg and foot nearly inoperable. He’s wheelchair averse and uses a cane when we’re out—which is rare because it’s a struggle for him.
He uses a rowing machine for the cardio and shoots pool once a week in a local league—his confidence allows for this because he knows how he looks when he hobbles around a billiard table; he won’t quit because it’s the only sport he can still enjoy.
The problem is that he’s been falling and not telling me. When he’s naked, I see bruises and ask, that’s when he tells me. 0_0
I’ve let myself go for years—a sedentary creative with a fat ass to show for it. I spoke to my doctor yesterday about starting a regimen to realign my metabolism, build muscle, and lose weight. My spouse will need me physically, and my genes make me a tank, ask anyone I served with in Kuwait.
We’re not physically aging on the same trajectory, so I must step up and rebuild because he can’t. It’s a sobering thought because it’s not what I signed up for when I married him. We’ve always been equal as friends, financial partners, parents, and lovers, but that dynamic has shifted in ten years.
We’re barely friends, and since I retired, he has made more money than me. Our kids are grown, and despite living in this big house with us, they have their own lives and don’t really hang out with us until dinner or a holiday.
Sex is a touchy subject. His spinal issues and age fuck with his ability to perform and to feel pleasure from being pegged. We’re both bisexual, and he’s permitted me to get a girlfriend (LOL), but I’m not doing that. It’s the watching porn life for me, savvy? Last night hammered that reality home a bit too much.
My writing schedule will change to accommodate my physical fitness goals; working out over 50 won’t be easy with arthritis, but I’ll make it work – I owe my spouse that much for 28 years of happiness.