Yesterday I posted a portion of chapter five’s first draft – today I did a second-draft pass, presenting the narrative from the head of Lubomir. It’s not a first-person narrative, we’re simply experiencing the narration from Lubomir’s perspective – and this means extra attention on Max because of his initial attraction.
Despite their drunken flirting in Philadelphia (chapters 6/7) they’re not a couple in this novel.
I’ll put the first draft version in gray, and the second-draft pass after it.
“Shit, we’re hardly a bakery anymore,” Max added. “We make more bank from coffee and breakfast food than we ever did with cakes and donuts,”
“Your mom makes the best lattes on the fucking planet,” Lubo said.
Honza nodded. “She uses real chocolate in her hot chocolate,”
“Son,” Lubo bobbed his head. “That shit’s like diabetes in a mug,”
Wad said, “My mom gets your donuts every Saturday,”
“We have eight flavors now.” Max watched as Lubo frowned and then raised his phone, looking for a signal. “We used to have, like, twenty-something when I was a kid,”
“Shit, we’re hardly a bakery anymore.” Max stared at the moving scenery. “We get more bank from coffee and breakfast food than we ever did with cakes and donuts,”
“Your mom makes the best lattes on the fucking planet,” Lubomir declared.
Honza agreed. “She uses real chocolate in her hot chocolate,”
“Son,” Lubomir bobbed his head. “That shit’s like diabetes in a mug,”
Max’s husky laugh made Lubomir giddy.
“My mom gets your donuts every Saturday,” said Wad.
“We have eight flavors now,” Max’s profile, on display while speaking to Wad, shared a manly symmetry with those ancient Roman busts found in museums. “We used to have, like, twenty-something when I was a kid,”
“Boston’s are the best,” said Honza.
“Custard or cream?” Max asked.
“Custard,”
“I don’t like the Bavarian cream we use.”
“Custard’s better,”
“It’s just vanilla pudding, dude,”
Lubo put his phone away and stared at Max.
“Don’t ruin it for him by pulling back the curtain,”
Honza dropped his head. “I’ll never enjoy another one, now,”
Max chuckled, his bright eyes fixed on the cute chub.
“The chocolate cream ones are off the hook,” Lubo said.
“I love those, bitches,” Wad agreed. “I’m a mess after eating them, though,”
“Same hat, son.” Lubo met Max’s stare. “It’s like a snowman nutted on my tits,”
Max laughed heartily, as did Honza.
Honza rubbed at an eye under his glasses. “Boston’s are the best,”
“Custard or cream?” asked Max.
“Custard,” Honza said.
“I don’t like the Bavarian cream we use.”
“Custard’s better,”
“It’s just vanilla pudding, dude,”
Lubomir stared at Max. “Don’t ruin it for him by pulling back the curtain,”
Honza dropped his head. “I’ll never enjoy another one, now,”
“The chocolate cream ones are off the hook,” said Lubomir, watching as Max’s humored eyes drifted from Honza.
“I love those,” Wad professed. “I’m a mess after eating them, though,”
“Same hat, son.” Lubomir met the handsome blonde’s stare. “It’s like a snowman nutted on my tits,”
Max laughed heartily, his ivory skin warming to pale pink. Though Honza chuckled also, Lubomir couldn’t take his eyes off Max.
“Okay, youns,” Lubo leaned over and regarded each of them with a passing glance. “It’s time to pick the weirdos out of this lineup,”
Max snorted while Honza and Wad eyed one another.
“Beef boloney with some cooper-sharp,” said Lubo.
Wad nodded. “Yes,”
“Dude, I lived for that shit as a kid,” Honza added.
“We all did,” Lubo said. “We’re Polacks.”
“It has to be on white bread, though,” Maxim said.
“Of course, but,” Lubo raised a finger. “With mayo or Heinz?”
Maxim knitted his brow in disgust.
“Heinz,” Wad said, nodding.
“Only with Heinz,” Honza said.
“Ketchup?” Max scowled. “Ew,”
Lubo curled his lip. “Disgusting Orthodox bitches,”
Wad’s face crinkled. “You really put mayonnaise on boloney?”
“It tastes better with Heinz,” said Honza. “Mayonnaise is gross,”
“You shut that cock-sucking mouth, Honza,” Lubo said, making Max cackle. “Putting ketchup on a boloney and cheese sandwich,”
Wad’s head swung. “You’re legit putting oil and eggs on beef boloney?”
“Better than tomato pudding,” Max blurted.
“Thank you,” Lubo said, smiling.
Wad stared at Honza. “Roman bitches and their mayo,”
“Rozen’s had the best sandwiches,” Honza said.
“They serve those skinny all beef dogs that are off the hook,” Maxim said.
Wad dipped in agreement. “Their buns were like split at the top instead of on the side,”
“And they grill those buns,” Lubo said. “So much better than steamed,”
“I don’t know what genius came up with that,” said Wad. “But I’d like to shake his hand.”
“Or suck his dick, right Honza?” Lubo teased.
Honza gave a start. “When did I become the blowjob princess around here?”
“When we boarded this train,” Lubo spoke without hesitation. “I can’t stop thinking about you sucking a cock.”
“Thanks for that visual, Loob.” Wad brought up his hand. “Sorry, Honza, I just don’t see you that way.”
“It’s cool,” Honza said. “I appreciate that.”
Lubo recharged with his eyes on Honza. “Jizz dripping all over those thick ass glasses,”
Maxim curled up laughing while Wad curtained his amusement behind his hands.
“At least it’s not mayonnaise,” Honza cracked.
Lubo opened his mouth and let out a guffaw. “I missed you, Hittori Honza,”
“Okay, youns,” Lubomir leaned in and regarded each of them with a passing glance. “It’s time to pick the weirdos out of this lineup,”
Max snorted while Honza and Wad eyed one another.
“Beef bologna with some cooper-sharp,”
Wad nodded. “Yes,”
“Dude, I lived for that shit as a kid,” Honza added.
“We all did. We’re Polacks,” said Lubomir.
Max’s foot tapped his seat. “It has to be on white bread, though,”
“Of course, but,” Lubo raised a finger. “With mayo, or ketchup?”
Max’s mouth opened in horror.
“Heinz,” Wad said, nodding.
“Only with Heinz,” Honza aped.
“Ketchup?” Max grimaced.
Lubomir curled his lip and stared at Max. “Disgusting Orthodox bitches,” he said, thumb pointed right.
“Whoa,” Wad said, sour. “You really put mayonnaise on bologna?”
“It goes with Heinz,” Honza argued. “Mayonnaise is gross,”
“You shut that cock-sucking mouth, Honza,” Lubomir said, making Max cackle. “Youns really over here putting ketchup on a bologna and cheese sandwich,”
“Youns are gross.” Wad’s head swung. “You’re legit putting oil and eggs on one,”
“Better than tomato pudding,” Max blurted.
Wad stared at Honza and aimed a thumb at them. “Roman bitches and their mayo,”
Honza laughed. “Rozen’s had the best sandwiches,”
“Yes, they fucking did.” Lubomir thought of his pops and how they went to Rozen’s after Sunday mass for turkey grinders and cheese fries.
“They serve those skinny all beef dogs that are off the hook,” Max said.
Wad concurred by tapping Max’s arm. “They split their buns at the top instead of on the side,”
“And they grill those buns,” Lubomir said. “So much better than steamed,”
Honza lowered his legs and set his feet on Wad’s shins. “I don’t know what genius came up with that, but I’d like to shake his hand.”
“Or suck his dick, right, Hittori?” Lubomir teased.
Honza gave a start. “When did I become the blowjob princess?”
“When we boarded this train,” Lubo spoke without hesitation and reveled in Honza’s bashful dejection. “I can’t stop thinking about you sucking a cock.”
“Dude,” Max exclaimed, giving Lubomir’s leg a gentle push.
“Thanks for that visual, Loob.” Wad brought up his hand. “Sorry, Honza, I just don’t see you that way.”
“It’s cool,” Honza said. “I appreciate that.”
Lubo fixed his eyes on Honza, “Jizz dripping all over those big-ass glasses,”
Maxim curled up laughing while Wad masked his amusement behind his hands.
“At least it’s not mayonnaise,” Honza said.
Lubo released a guffaw and pressed his lips to the boy’s salty cheek. “I missed you, Hittori Honza,”
–SECOND DRAFT PASS – thanks for reading.
Guns, Guys, & Yaoi 2.0 